Asshole sometimes Is sometimes an uNderstatement

All  i want for Christmas i told him was my sister. SO he said he would give me her. I thought that would entail her travel fees, food, and entertainment expenses also. However,I never saw that. What i did get was a fucking headache. He complained the whole time. I spent my money to pick her up, I placed my accounts into overdraft twice. He complained about me not spending time with him. But the damn idiot had 2 days off. He refused to ride to pick her up . He refused to talk to me on the phone. When i got home he bitched. Why? Because instead of the 5hours gone i didn't get back until the next morning. But if he was so concerned about what i was doing and when i was coming back or how i got back then he should have came. I guess nothing is wrong with his behavior right. I look at him and think why is he even here. Is he here to torture me. Because i don't feel any love at the moment.  I don't feel any kind of support. The fool called himself being happy the day after Christmas. He didn't open his mouth at all and wish me a merry Christmas. He complained. He stressed me out. He was ungrateful. He made me, my sister, and his niece miserable because Travis wanted everything his way. I tried to be a team player. But damn i couldn't even be happy spending my time with family because he was mad. I tried to do right but nothing was good enough. So at the end of the day what did i do . I acted stupid. I walk around everyday wondering what is going to happen next. Is he going to be mad, ignore me, bitch me out, or show me affection but then shut me out. I try to love you but how can i when i get the same treatment everyday. He once told me that its all my fault. Its my fault that he acts the way he does. He acts that way because i cheated on him, but don't forget he cheated on me too. He treats me this way because he cant trust me. He cant trust me cause i always lie to him. I lie to him because when i tell him the truth i am the worst person alive and he don't know why he is with me. Well fuck the feeling is mutual I don't know why either. You think you are the only one who feel cheated and lied to. I never fucked anyone in your car. I never waited until you was sleeping in our bed to go fuck someone. I never threw that i was intentionally going out there to fuck over you. I never told you that you was a hoe and i should have let all my guy friends run a train on you. I never told you that you was a bitch and i don't give a bitch shit. But don't forget you say that you love  me. Baby if you mama moves out then i will try my best to support you. You don't have to pay any bills cause i can do it all. Shit that never happened. Baby i know that you wrecked your car but i got you. I am going to my other car and let you use it. I forgot that never happened. I was the one walking. I was the one that had a boyfriend that didn't want to bring her any where because of his car not being registered, or having insurance, or not having a license. Okay but i thought you was going to get your car fixed so i can register it cause i had a license, and i was going to pay the insurance. But no you wanted to see me struggle. I had to beg you for a ride to doctors appointments, work, stores, and whatnot's. You went to jail and i had your car. you was so fucking selfish that you told me to bring your car to your mothers house. I was miserable when you was in jail. I spent every dollar i had so we can talk on the phone. You sold me that jail house dream. You gave me promises and the time you got out i didn't see one of those dreams come true. I could have gotten a car, but i waited on you to be there for me. I waited in vain. I wanted you to be there for me for school. you wasn't. All you did was bitch bitch bitch. If i got help by a guy then i had to be fucking him. If i stayed at the library to long i was accused of going to fuck someone. So i lied about getting high, but you was the problem. I got high to deal with the stress. I got high to fuck you so you wouldn't cheat. You are a selfish fuck. I get to orgasm what once every other month when we fuck. Because we don't make love. I don't know what that is with you. I am lying we made love twice. It was good but you was still selfish with that. I am wrong. I withhold love from you when i know that is what you need the most. I lie to you cause i know that you bold face lie to me and you are not man enough to admit it. I fucked over you cause i wanted to. I never fucked that rapper but damn i should have. Because we fuss about it like i did.  I should have kept cheating on you because you treat me like i did. I cheated because i felt no emotion from you. I  knew a man that wanted to be with me. He wanted to encourage me with school.  He lied to me. I lied to him but we forgave each other. He gave me money without being selfish. He didn't question how i was going to spend the money cause once he handed it over to me it was mine. When i was around him i was never broke. Even if he had 10bucks i had five off those. But i chose you cause i loved you. I loved you for accepting me flaws included. But you didn't love me flaws included. You loved me for the woman that you want ed me to be. And you got mad at me and yourself when i wasn't that woman. But the crazy thing was is that i was. I refused to be the best i could be around you cause you was the worst around me. Yea okay you are a good man to some extent. You don't go out during the week that much. But shit for a minute you was going out once every weekend. At least that was what you was telling me. Yea you pay for my gas, food, help on the utilities, help my mama, and you give me a little change occasionally. But damn i could swear that is what you was suppose to do when you are dating someone. But then guess what we share my car, you really don't feed me, and you really don't be paying the bills like you be talking. I know you are broke. But that's not my problem. I should be able to rely that my man is going to stick by his word when he say he is going to do something for me and the household. I shouldn't have to wait around and drop hints if that is going to happen. I am tired of coming into a room and wondering what the fuck he has to say now. Shit i don't need this shit at all. I am tired and stressed 99percent of the time.I take medication for depression, and anxiety, and the damn medicine really don't work anymore. Dude you need to stop what you doing. Cause if you don't want to be with me then don't. Don't hate me cause you love me. Walk away.. and don't look back. I love you and i will stay right here. Cause i was taught that when you love someone you love them through their dumb moments. You love them when they forget to love themselves. You love them and say fuck the world cause you are going to love them and its not like no one can say shit about it. I am not ever going to give up my family for you. Because they are just that my family. I will always put them first but you will always come first in my heart. Me and you can never be a family if you don't accept my family as yours. We are suppose to be one unit. One unit against the world. I am not perfect. I have a drug addiction but so do you. I am stopping but can you. I will not take someones words over yours but  will you. I will do better not for you but for me and us. I will do better with Christ. I will do better with my family, and friends which includes you. I will be more honest. I will be more open to understanding. I can not read minds, I cannot read body signals, I cannot and will not stop loving you just because you fucked up. I will not be with you if you keep fucking up. I will not tolerate the behaviors you have been doing. I am strong cause i have god. I will get better and i will achieve great things. I may have stumbled but that does not mean i have laid down to be ran over. If i want to spend time in Houston, Louisiana, or Dallas with my family then hey you should come along because you are my family. You should come because one day  you want to marry me and you want to know the type of person you will marry. You need to get know me and not the person you think i am cause baby believe me your thoughts can be deceiving.

Wondering

Sometimes i wake up and i wonder why am i here. I feel like i am trapped in a place. I live. someitmes... Its like i dont have any way out.